I just wanted to tell everyone THANK YOU for all the kind words and prayers you have made for us. We are slowly getting back to "normal" if we ever can be. It has been one week since we found out our baby was no longer with us and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. I know we will continue to have our ups and downs but we have great family & friends by our side. We are going to be okay. Unfortunately grief is not something you just wake up one day and not experience. It is a process that through time gets easier but never really goes away. I will ALWAYS miss my baby. I will always wonder the gender. I say boy because that was my gut feeling (and I was right with Hannah). I will always wonder how much he would have looked like Hannah. I will always wonder if he would have been my calm baby as Hannah is our "wild child." (She is not really out of control just a tad on the hyper side) I will always wonder all those questions that you wait to see about your baby.

I owe a BIG thanks to my sweet husband. He has been everything to me for the past week. He was before all of this but he has helped me in more ways than I thought. He has taken care of me and Hannah. I can't even express how much I love this man. I don't think there are words for that kind of love. Even in his grief, he has made sure that I was okay first. Not many men still exist like him and I thank God that He answered my prayers and gave me the Christian man of my dreams.

Hannah has been confused. She knows that something isn't right but she doesn't understand. She will rub my stomach and ask about the baby. This is heartbreaking to me but I just tell her that he went to be with God. I think she thinks I am crazy. The other night I was crying and she crawled in my lap, wiped my tears, and said "It okay mommy." She said it with such empathy you could see it in her little blue eyes. That girl is going to change the world with her big heart. She loves to help & is a great comforter.

We received an angel for our Christmas tree from Brian & Tina. It was such a thoughtful gift. I LOVED it. I had already thought I would try to find something that represented the baby for our tree. This was perfect.

I am sorry I am probably depressing all of you. I think Susan was right - blogging is good therapy. I probably couldn't choke all of this out if I were to say it out loud so it is good to be able to type it. You need to visit Kristy's blog and read her post today. It is about rainbows and the promises God has given us. It just reminded me that God hasn't always promised rainbows on this earth but we just need to wait for the "big" rainbow. The one promise that we will be in Heaven if we obey His commandments. So today I am a little happier knowing that I have a wonderful life and the grief I feel will get better. Plus I have been reading message boards from people that have suffered miscarriages. I will tell you after reading some of their stories I feel pretty lucky. I have had a healthy pregnancy and had zero problems. Hannah has been healthy and is growing up. My marriage is GREAT! Right now there is no reason to think I couldn't get pregnant again & have a healthy pregnancy and baby. Life really is good. I just need to focus on the rainbows and not the storms.

If you are still there - thanks for listening!

The Worst Day of My Life

I have had some bad days in my life but Thursday and Friday have been the worst. Some of you already know that we lost our baby. I started having some problems on Thursday and the doctor wanted to see me. After having an ultrasound the doctor told us that the baby hadn't been developing. There was no heartbeat and so yesterday I had to have a D & C. We are heartbroken but we trust that God is with us. He hasn't left us and we know our little baby is in Heaven with Him. It is comforting to know that our sweet angel will never have to know the pains of living on this earth. He is where we all want to be one day. Yes, I would have loved to have carried this baby full term with no problems, held him in my arms for the first time and raise him just like Hannah but my plan wasn't God's plan. We don't always understand why but for me it is best just not to ask and trust that God knows best. His wisdom far exceeds our wisdom. I am just asking for your prayers today that our hearts will be healed. Our lives will go on because we have another child to raise and to make sure that she makes it to heaven with us. It is times like these that I realize how much God has really blessed me. I have the best family (blood & in-laws) in the world. I am reminded of a verse that I have written on many cards in the past, Psalms 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." He is there for me and I know He will help us make it through this.

Do you know what I am doing right now? Listening to Christmas music on the radio! I know, I know, some of you are rolling your eyes but I am so ready for Christmas. It is my favorite time of the year. I like Thanksgiving but I LOVE Christmas. I will not decorate before the day after Thanksgiving but I would pull my stuff out today if I didn't have that rule! Every time we go in a store that has anything Christmas Hannah screams "look mommy, CHRISTMAS!!" Although she says she does not want to go see Santa. I may have another picture of her like last year. Josh says I shouldn't make her go see Santa but I am one of those moms that must have a picture. Does that make me crazy? Don't really answer that!

Our country elected a new president since the last time I blogged. I am disappointed in the outcome. I think Barack Obama will push this country even further away from God and that scares me. However I know God is in control. So Barack Obama can bring about all the changes he wants but I know God doesn't change. I take comfort in that fact. I could say so much more about why I think Obama was a bad choice but I know we are all a little sick of hearing his name.

So I will tell you some funny stuff that Hannah has said lately.

1. The other day she looked into my belly button. I asked her what she was doing and she said "Mommy, I no see the baby!" I guess she thought my belly button was a window! LOL!

2. Last night we went to 6th Avenue to hear Daniel preach for the Area Wide (& to see my parents). Daniel was quoting several verses that ended with "and all the people said Amen." After he said it about 5 times, Hannah looked at me and said "is Daniel praying?"

3. Last night she didn't want to stay in the auditorium to sing. She wanted to go & play. So she said "mommy just take me out & spank me!" (BTW, I do not let her play when we go out so I don't know why she used this reasoning)

What a mess! She is wearing big girl panties today and has only had one accident! I am going to try this method and hope it works. Anyone have any other good potty training tips? I am in desperate need of help. She is doing good but I want her to be potty trained before the baby gets here.

Avon order goes in on Thursday. If you spend $25 or if you take a book to a friend (new customer) and they spend $25, you name will be entered in a drawing for a free gift bag with several goodies. So let me know if you need a book. I will try to get you one tomorrow. There are some great deals this time so take a look! You can also visit the website www.youravon.com/kcourington